he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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