I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Sober January is a disaster.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
