Cold hands, warm shart.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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