oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
