So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
