forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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