You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
