trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
