We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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