We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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