My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
