Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
