do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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