Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
