Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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