new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My bed smells like the plague
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
