I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
