In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
