thus making me awesome and them whores
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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