ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
