Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
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She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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