Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
