i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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