your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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