Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
