At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
