piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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