tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
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Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
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i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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