What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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