I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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