I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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