when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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