a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Randomize
