Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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