If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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