I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
