she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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