She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
