I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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