Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
