u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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