I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
