I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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