When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
