I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
