peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
