If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
