youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
