hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
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He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
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Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize