This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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