Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
