it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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