On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
you made out with another girl for some wings
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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