If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
