So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
