I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"