just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
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i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
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Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night