I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream