walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.